Where I am in 40K.
I began playing the game of 40K in late 3rd Edition. I stopped just before 4th Edition release and came back after the arrival of 5th. I chose Eldar as my third edition army and enjoyed the many aspects of the game, although I never fully grasped the game and never put as much effort into the game as I do now. Move on to 5th edition and I chose a xenos again with Necrons. Being the person that I am, I chose more for my attraction of the models and the fluff than for the "win-ability."
This has lead to many many losses by my 40K cohort Matt at Emperors Archangels. Matt is a great opponent who is gracious and doesn't press the fact that I often lose to him (although that could also be because he wouldn't have anyone else to play against.) Unfortunately for me, Matt's two primary armies are Dark Angels and Tyranids (and his Nids are all tooth and nail.) This is not meant to become a boo-hoo session, but to express my frustration. I am not a person who enjoys losing. I can take the loss and try to learn from it sure, but the repeated losses begin to wear on a person.
This line of thinking lead Matt and myself to ask some deep questions after a Monday night battle. Am I playing the game because I want to win, or am I playing because its a fun and enjoyable experience? If I win, is that the only way its enjoyable? When did I start to think of the game as a win only competition? Or did I always think that way? If I only want to play the game to win, but often find myself in un-win-able positions, do I keep playing?
I have been trying to answer these questions for the last day or so. I have models waiting to be painted, been working on green stuff to fill in gaps on my Monolith and thinking of ways to change over all the neon green to blue. I also picked up about $200.00 worth of Orcs last year after the Exterminatus Tournament, thinking I would enjoy yet another xenos army (It would help if I knew what type of Orc army I wanted to build.)
So there I am, if you have read this far, I commend you. It was alot to let out at once and I know there is more inside that I am thinking. If you have any recommendations let loose or if you think I am just being a cry baby... well go ahead and throw that out there too, I can delete them, after all it is my blog ;) .